Barstool Chicago Things We Don't Understand Draft Grades

Round 1 Pick 1: Why His Atomic Clock Doesn't Work, Mr. Portnoy

This is why we love Mr. Portnoy. If anyone else picks this, they lose the draft. But not him. This is a great pick because it is him. 

Grade: A

Round 1 Pick 2: Quantum Anything, Eddie

Solid pick. Quantum physics, quantum mechanics, and just anything with quantum is confusing. Frankly, my brain is probably too small to understand. 

Grade: A

Round 1 Pick 3: Human Body, Feits

This is a solid pick. So much of the human body is answered by, "It just does". We have miles of veins and organs wrapped up in a small space. We have a piece of mush in our heads that allows us to talk and move. It truly is amazing. 

Grade: A

Round 1 Pick 4: Vinyl Records, Chief

I am in the same boat. How can a disc with grooves and a needle capture and play someone's voice? It honestly seems more high-tech than a CD or streaming. 

Grade: A

Round 1 Pick 5: Women, Dave

Brother, you said it. If I speak, I will get in trouble, but god damn do I not understand women either. 

Grade: A+

Round 2 Pick 1: Money, Dave

He is gonna get screwed on the graphic. His pick is good because he means he doesn't understand how to invest, which I think most people agree with. However, the pick of money just makes it seem like he doesn't understand how cash works, which I think is a pretty simple concept. 

Grade: B+

Round 2 Pick 2: Radio Waves, Chief

YES! How can we play sound in one place and send it to your car? I just don't get it. It is magic and that is the only explanation. 

Grade: A

Round 2 Pick 3: Passion, Feits

Yeah, this is a bad pick. How do you not understand enjoying something or feeling strongly about something? Has Feits never had something happen where he felt strongly about it in his life?

Grade: D

Round 2 Pick 4: Underwater Tunnels, Eddie

Honestly, I don't think these are super hard to understand. One entrance is above water and the other is also above water. Then they are sealed so water does not get inside. Very easy concept. 

Round 2 Pick 5: Long Beards, Mr. Portnoy

I also don't understand having a long beard. It seems annoying and hard to maintain. You would also probably smell from getting food stuck in it right? Also if a beard is too long it is unattractive. 

Grade: A

Round 3 Pick 1: Detroit Lions Wanting a Live Lion, Mr. Portnoy

Oh no, I disagree with Mr. Portnoy on this one. Having the Longhorn at Texas and the Buffalo at Colorado is sick. So I do understand why they want a live lion. 

Grade: B

Round 3 Pick 2: How Fish Breathe, Eddie

This is also one that I struggle with. For the longest time, I assumed they breathed water, but then I found out that they basically filter the oxygen from the water. I don't know, it is very confusing to me. Maybe there is something I don't get. 

Grade: A-

Round 3 Pick 3: Satire, Feits

You work for a comedy company and don't understand satire? I feel like this is a pretty easy one to understand. Two bad picks in a row for Feits. 

Grade: C

Round 3 Pick 4: Painkillers Finding Pain, Chief

Yeah, this is another one that is a bit confusing, but I guess it just gets put into the bloodstream or something. The pick is alright, but I don't think too many people will 100% relate with it like some of the other ones. 

Grade: B

Round 3 Pick 5: Insurance, Dave

So does he not know how insurance work or why we have insurance? I mean it is very obvious how they make money. You have car insurance and how many times have you hit another person? Insurance is actually a very simple concept. 

Grade: D

Round 4 Pick 1: Why Chopsticks Still Exist, Dave

Does Dave not care about tradition? That's what chopsticks are; a traditional way to eat food. So they still exist because this is the way people have been eating food for centuries. Also, they are a good cultural immersion. 

Grade: B-

Round 4 Pick 2: Thoughts, Chief

I fully agree. How is there a voice in my head that can make up scenarios that have never happened? Like I don't think people realize how weird thinking is. Also on the same line, memories. How come I can't remember anything before I was like six years old? How does that make sense?

Grade: A-

Round 4 Pick 3: How Tommy Smokes Gets Laid, Feits

Well, this one is a bit mean. Gonna be real, it is his job and his little bit of fame. Young girls at bars love that stuff. They can tell their friends they slept with someone from Barstool and it gives them a bit of clout. Also, he is a pretty funny dude. 

Grade: C

Round 4 Pick 4: Number of Residential Buildings, Eddie

I 100% get this. These buildings are hundreds of floors tall and they live in closets. How are there so many buildings? They can't be full. They just can't be. 

Grade: B

Round 4 Pick 5: Screaming at Famous People, Mr. Portnoy 

Oh my god yes. The pedestalization of famous people is one of the weirdest things we do as a society. They are normal people. They really are. They also don't want to be screamed at and they don't want people throwing themselves at them. Just stop doing it. 

Grade: A

Round 5 Pick 1: Fighting on Airplanes, Mr. Portnoy

If we are being honest, why do people fight in general? I very rarely see the need to fight over anything. Maybe I am just not very aggravated about things. But there seem to be very few things where it is necessary to fight people in public. 

Grade: A

Round 5 Pick 2: Artificial Flavoring, Eddie

I think I just don't understand chemicals. Like how can a bunch of chemicals taste exactly like an apple? I just cannot wrap my brain around it. 

Round 5 Pick 3: Why Communism is so Evil, Feits

UH OH! This is a great way to tank the draft right here. So I think the evil thing about communism is the people that tend to rule communist nations. They kinda just take the power to themselves. But also I think it devalues the drive to improve yourself. Like why would you want to be a doctor and go to school for twenty years just to make the same as someone who did not do that? But I really don't want to talk politics. 

Grade: D

Round 5 Pick 4: Spray Cans Impacting Ozone, Chief

This is the common way of thinking in which people don't realize the impact of a bunch of people doing something but they aren't together. But yeah I also don't understand the spray can thing. Like how does it get all the way up there?

Grade: B+

Round 5 Pick 5: Microwaves, Dave

Yeah, microwaves aren't hot inside, but the food is. How does that make sense? I've never questioned it, but I simply don't understand. 

Grade: B+

Easy win for Mr. Portnoy.